Remorse
by A Mad Youkai Tea Party
Summary: Kouga made trips to that village regularly since Kagome returned. This time, however, he confronts a part of his past he isn't proud of.


Kouga wondered what he had done to deserve the life he currently lived.

He was content. He was busy with uniting all the branches of the _yourouzoku_, but he had loyal friends by his side. The wolf youkai were also doing well, since the lack of _Gokurakuchou_ meant that they were without their natural enemy. Naraku's death symbolised a new beginning, where they could hopefully build their numbers back up. They could only hope the same could be said for their loyal wolves – their normal, animal companions – since a lot of them had been died in the crossfire. On an even better note, he discovered that Kagome hadn't actually died during the final battle against Naraku. She was alive, she just hadn't been able to return from where she had been lost.

And Kouga had been there, at her wedding, a few weeks ago.

Kagome had apparently returned two months ago. But he hadn't noticed until after a month of her return, but is his defense, he had been avoiding the village out of misplaced grief. Kouga had visited her three times since he had discovered her return. And the very first thing she had done after explaining everything was to gently let him know about her upcoming wedding to the hanyou. Kouga wasn't bitter or hateful. He was happy for her, and he even helped out after he was certain Inuyasha wouldn't hate him for it. He held no hatred for Inuyasha either. As much as he wished to be the one Kagome loved, he knew that he couldn't force her.

He had behaved himself at her wedding to Inuyasha. Ginta and Hakkaku had insisted on visiting, to support their sister, so he had sternly informed him of the human wedding customs they had to uphold. He left his ornamental sword at the den, to avoid giving any bad luck to the pairing, even though he knew he could probably get away with feigned ignorance. He had remained polite, smiled and cheered, and even drank with the humans. Not that he could easily get drunk on human alcohol, but it was the thought that counts, right? Though he left as soon as he heard rumors of the bride retiring to bed – he loved and respected Kagome, but he did not want to accidently hear or smell that situation.

Still, Kouga continued to return to the village since then. He had to make sure she was still happy, even if he technically should have moved on from her. Though there were small blessings. After telling her that he had moved on from her (a total lie, but hey, who cares) she had started to treat him better. It seemed that without the awkwardness of one-sided affection, Kagome enjoyed his company and wanted to be friends with him. Which made him feel a little guilty. While Kouga had no plans to act on his old urges, he was still completely enamored by Kagome. It almost felt as though he was deceiving her to gain her trust and friendship. But he knew that he wouldn't mention the truth – he would move on, for her sake, and he wouldn't make her uncomfortable. He's lost to much, losing her friendship was not an option.

That was why Kouga had decided to take a walk through the forest around the village. He needed to clear his head, especially since he definitely caught the scent of something he didn't want to acknowledge coming from Kagome and Inuyasha's hut (why did they build it in such a weird location that was easy to stumble upon?). He needed the fresh air, and he needed to get away from that hut as soon as possible before he did something stupid and definitely not something a friend would do.

_At least Inukkoro isn't rubbing it in! Fucking asshole knows how lucky he is._

Kouga noticed that the trees weren't nearly as gathered as he walked, and a quick sniff of the air told him that he was approaching water. A lake or stream then, which should be helpful. He could use a drink of water to help with his thirst. As he approached he noticed something else. A scent that he become a bit more familiar with, much to his surprise. The scent of the little girl that he had once met when he first met Inuyasha's brother. He had thought that she had only stuck around for the wedding, what was she still doing here?

"Yo" Kouga greeted.

Rin turned around, "Oh... Kouga... um, what are you doing here?"

"Just came for the water. You alright?" Kouga asked.

He noticed it a few times. While he never sought out the girl – he had no reason to – he did bump into her a few times when he visited. She seemed to like hanging around Kagome and Inuyasha, so it was just unavoidable. But every time the crossed paths, her scent started to give off a cautious edge and, occasionally, it could shift to proper fear. As if she felt like he and his wolves would do something horrible to her. Which was ridiculous, the first time they had met he had saved her life, and he had changed _yourouzoku _so they wouldn't be a risk to humans anymore.

"Kagome-sama wanted some water too, so I'd thought I'd retrieve some" Rin stated, "Inuyasha-sama regularly does sweeps of the forest, so I know it's safe from violent _youkai_."

Kouga nodded, "What's got ya frightened then?"

"Nothing really. It's just something silly" she replied.

"You're instincts are telling you that there is something wrong with this situation. It's not silly, it's survival. I just really don't get why your instincts consider me a threat" Kouga countered.

Rin looked away with a frown, "It's just... you were kinda scary when I first saw you. I don't think you remember it, though."

Kouga felt an eyebrow twitch, "What do you mean?"

"There was a man... a youkai, I think... he had stolen a shard of the sacred jewel from you. He tried to hide in my hut, but you had found him" Rin answered, "You kinda killed him... and a lot of other people too. The entire village actually."

Kouga remembered. Of course he remembered that day, it was the day he had met Kagome. But he didn't realize that what he considered a special event, others could look at it in horror. Though had he really thought much of the incident at all? Perhaps most people did think of it as horrifying. He changed his ways. He forced his pack to change his ways. Humans weren't in danger from them anymore. That didn't change his past actions.

And really, at that moment, Kouga thought back to Kagura. He had heard what the others had said about her, that she had died trying to stop Naraku. But he hadn't cared. He hadn't been completely tactless in his response, but he made it clear that he thought she got what she deserved after everything she had done. Did this little girl think of him the same way he thought of Kagure? The same way he thought of Naraku? As someone who had torn apart those she held dear? Or did she just fear him, like a wild beast that could snap at any moment and kill her without provocation? He had changed, but did that matter to the person who had lost everything because of him?

"I'm sorry."

Rin looked up, obviously surprised, and Kouga continued, "I know it doesn't change anything. You must have lost a lot that day – friends and family – and it's my fault. So... I'm sorry."

"My family had died before that, and the villagers weren't really nice to me. I didn't want them to die though" but then the girl gave him a smile, "But if you hadn't visited my village, I never would have been able to travel with Sesshoumaru-sama. And then I never would have met Jaken-sama, or Ah-Un, or Inuyasha-sama, or Kagome-sama, or Kohaku, or everyone else. I would still be lonely and hurting and hungry."

"There's a silver lining then" Kouga replied.

Rin nodded, "Yep. Besides, I know that you probably had reasons behind what happened. I mean, Kohaku tried to hurt me multiple times, even kill me, and he's really nice. Inuyasha-sama got possessed and tried to hurt me. Sango-sama nearly killed me too. And Sesshoumaru-sama's mother did kill me. Oh, and there was that incident with Suikotsu too."

It took Kouga a couple of seconds to digest all the information that had been dumped on him. He had been especially stumped at the whole actually dying part, until he remembered the whole deal with Sesshoumaru's sword Tenseiga – a sword that could resurrect the dead. That just left the question of what was going on with everyone. He wasn't entire sure how to feel about the whole situation, but decided to drop it. She had forgiven them, and it really wasn't any of his business. Guilt was only going to push him so far. Although those thoughts were stopped by a realization.

"Where is Sesshoumaru? I haven't seen him since the wedding" Kouga asked.

"Oh, he left me with Kaede-sama. Sesshoumaru-sama thought it would be best if I learnt how to live with humans, so I could choose where I wanted to go in the future" she then made a slight frown, "Sesshoumaru-sama also thought I'd be safer away from him."

_Can't say I disagree with him_, Kouga thought.

"It's not really fair though. I was perfectly safe with him, so I don't see why I need to stay with everyone else, especially now that he's got a really powerful sword" Rin said.

Kouga felt a sad, knowing smile form on his face, "He meant a lot to you, huh?"

Rin sighed and moved over so that she could sit down on a nearby log, "I've already lost my father to bandits. I don't want to lose another one."

"I know how you feel. I was only a bit smaller than you are now when I lost my father" he shifted, joining her on the log.

"What happened?" Rin asked.

Kouga said, "_Gokurakuchou _\- giant bird youkai. Many members of my pack have been lost in the battle between them. Both my parents had been casualties."

"What happened after you lost your parents?"

Kouga struggled to find the words to answer that complicated question. Complicated didn't even begin to cover it. When he had lost his father, it had been easier. He had been young, but his mother was there for him, as well as the rest of pack. He was able to grieve properly, and deal with everything at his own pace. His mother had been the last leader of his pack before she had passed, as she died from her wounds in battle. There hadn't been time to process her death at first, as much as he wanted to give in to despair at that moment, he had to keep fighting and save the rest of his pack. It didn't help that by doing so, he quickly solved the pack's issue of who should be the next leaders - they easily selected him as their best choice.

Kouga sighed, "I didn't have time to grieve at first. Even though most would have considered me too young to lead at that age, my pack thought I was the only option when they needed a leader. I was so busy, sometimes it felt like I couldn't feel anything. But when everything settled, I had to face it all. I had my pack to support me... but it would have been nice if I had someone help me the way you do."

"Do you still want that?" Rin asked.

Kouga smiled, "When you get to my age - or the human equivalent - things will be different. The one person you'll need is someone in your life who inspires you to be better. I thought I had found that someone... and maybe I had, but my punishment for my sins is not being able to have her."

The young human girl was silent for a moment, and Kouga chanced a glance her way. She stared at him as if she were looking at some kind of puzzle, and Kouga had to resist the urge to glare at her. Not that glares would have much effect on her, based on whose company she found to be pleasant. Still, he didn't like the way that she looked at him, and his instincts were urging him to stop her, as if she posed some kind of threat. Then her eyes gained an impish glint, as she suddenly formed a knowing, excited, smile.

"You're in love Kagome-sama!"

_Fuck!_

"I was in love with Kagome! Was! Past tense" Kouga countered, "And you have no proof!"

Rin burst into a fit of giggles, "Is that why you and Inuyasha-sama are always fighting? Poor Kagome-sama, it must have been terrible when you were both actively courting her!"

"I am so glad you're finding this funny. And it was twice as bad as what you're thinking right now" Kouga replied, much to her mirth.

"I think I've gotten over my fear of wolves now" Rin stated when she finally regained her breath, "Just know that now I'll never be able to take you seriously after knowing this."

Kouga rolled his eyes, "I'm so glad my feelings have caused you so much joy."

Rin only laughed harder at that sarcasm-laced statement, "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me."

* * *

Kouga wondered if what he was doing was inappropriate in any way. It was certainly weird, visiting the makeshift graves of his own victims. That wasn't something that just usually happened, since most didn't feel remorse for those they killed. But what he really wondered was if their spirits would be disturbed by his presence. Still, there wasn't much he could do to change what had happened. He couldn't exactly make it up to them, or apologize to them in person, since there wasn't as easy way to communicate with them. So, he did the next best thing. He found some flowers and visited their graves.

The village was still abandoned. Perhaps it's location being so close to wolf youkai territory, as well as the fact the last village had been wiped out from wolf youkai, had made it so that most weren't willing to travel to the region. Whatever the reason, that made his task of paying respects to the deceased easier. Inuyasha must have been the one to the construct the graves, he realized, since he knew there was no way Kagome, or anyone who travelled with her, would have been alright with leaving their bodies to rot.

Kagome's compassion really knew no bounds.

There wasn't much he could do. There wasn't much he could say. But at that moment, Kouga made a promise to himself. The sight before him would never be recreated. As long as he still breathed, he would make sure of it.

* * *

**A/N: Hey! I updated this! It now has less errors, as well as some bonus content, so that even those who had read this story will actually have something to look forward to, rather than just an edited version. Including adding a scene I had wanted to add originally, but didn't because I was a sleep-deprived mess. Yay!**


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